After returning home from California I came back to a few of my friends getting married. That’s not a problem for me, I am really happy for them that they are progressing through life. For me, I am going to take my time; first of all I am not fond of kids. I like my nieces and nephews but after about 20 minutes I want to barricade myself in my room and have my own personal time. Another thing that is making me stray away from marriage early in my life is I am in a selfish time in my life. I was talking with a girl I work with about life. She was amazed when I told her my first concert was Thirty Seconds to Marz about a year ago. She was also amazed that in my entire life I have only been to one house party… and even then I only stayed like 5 minutes. Needless to say she told me that I should date a lot of girls and experience life before I settle down, otherwise I will want to do it after I am married.
Thinking about this I have decided that she is somewhat right. I have not really done anything in life. I don’t have cool stories of partying it up on the beach with my closest friends. Or a cool road trip I took right after high school. I don’t even have a first kiss story. My life is kind of pathetic. So as I watch my friends go off and have fun being married, I sit at home like an old maid and read novels or clean my room or watch movies. What a great life for me. Kristen is right, I need to get out and experience life.
Since I have been home, after living in California, I have had a stagnant life. No progression. I have worked my butt of eating till it hurts and working out so I can get a good physique, has it paid off? Kind of, I have asked out a few girls but for some reason I find the girls who are not reliable at all. The only thing I have accomplished while living with my parents is my generals are almost finished in school, and I have read a few good books. That is all I have to show for anything? Then I have friends who call me and we talk forever about how great their life is and when it comes to me I complain. Then they roll their eyes and say, “It will all get better soon!” and that’s the end of it. The frequency of my conversations with friends have dwindled because I don’t want to be “The Complainer.” This has burned more bridges than I wanted. And now here I am complaining about my life, again, on the blog. The whole reason I started this thing was to complain about the world, and throw in some sarcastic things about dumb people. Maybe I will try that again in the future.
To those friends who are married and reading this; Your all still my best friends, you are at a different point in your life, don’t look down on me for not progressing as fast as you. To my friends who are not married but out enjoying life like a college student near graduation should; please don’t feel pity on me because you were here once. All I want is a good friend to vent to every once in a while. Most people will talk to an older brother or sister about things like this. My sister and I will talk but she gives me the same responses that my mom would give. Its good information, but sometimes moms answers are not the ones you want to hear. My older brother and I have not had a real conversation in years, and both my younger siblings do not care for me at all. With bridges I have been burning with friends and a family that despises me, my emotions and issues have been getting stacked on top of each other layer by layer. I have now reached a point in my life I never wanted to return to. I am imploding on myself, talking to an imaginary person over the computer (this blog).
I need a break. I need a break from caring when a good friend ditched me and did OUR traditions without me. I need a break from worrying about finding a girlfriend who will potentially be my wife. I need a break from the stress of being a perfect person. I need a break from all the worries of finishing school before I am too old. I need a break from this life that I am puttering through.
Dr.K
(Song: You Can Close Your Eyes, Artist: Brooke Fraser feat. William Fitzsimmons)
Dr. K,
ReplyDeleteDon't worry. We've ALL been in that place where we feel stagnant and we're wondering what's next. We look around and it feels like everyone is moving on without us. It's not a race, so don't stress too much. Have you thought about moving out? that's the easiest way to meet people. Do you go to a singlesward?
Thanks Stacylyn for the concern, I have had the plan to move out since returning home from California. Plans fall though and jobs don't pay enough. I understand that it is not a race, but sometimes I feel trapped in a time capsule. Like I am in a box, while friends on the outside are waiting to see what life was like back then...
ReplyDeleteI feel ya Dr. K.
ReplyDelete