Clouds Will Rage

          For the past few days I have been really down. Down so deep it feels like the pressure of the ocean is on my chest. It is hard to explain the feeling, because most people I talk to just say, “Well that’s life.” I am not sure how that is supposed to comfort anyone, or the times when people try and out-do your problems with their problems. Don’t others realize that you are seeking someone to talk to and complain to; not someone who is going to try and make it seem like your issues are less than theirs. Unfortunately I feel like I have pushed friends away because I was being negative while they are trying to be positive about my situations.

          While I have been having these down days I think a lot about things; best friends who end up being nothing you can really rely on, or friends who just vanish entirely from my life. It sucks thinking about the dates I have ATTEMPTED to take girls on and how my desire to date has diminished because of the way girls act like they are still in high school. The thing that got to me the most was how I looked back over the year and nothing I have done this year has been for anyone else. I have been very selfish; I wanted a new job so I could have more money. I moved out so I could have more college experiences. I applied and got the promotion at work so I could have the experience of being a manager. These are just some major things, but overall I have not done anything for anyone else; I have not gone to Africa to help dig wells so people can have fresh water. I have not been to Costa Rica to help in orphanages. I have not even donated blood (I don’t think I can ever do that though) or even helped out at a homeless shelter or an AIDS clinic. I have been very selfish this year and I think karma is coming back at me because I have not been thinking too much about others, now others are not thinking about me.

          I just finished another book. I finally read I am Number Four by Pittacus Lore and I enjoyed it. I have found friends in my books because of the way the characters are able to help others and end up being the hero. Sometimes it would be nice to be the hero. I want to change my attitude (which will be difficult) and I want to be useful to someone. I want to be the individual others can rely on. I want to be a Hero in someone’s eyes. “Clouds will rage and storms will race in, but you will be safe in my arms. Rains will pour down, waves will crash around, but you will be safe in my arms.” I like this song, and I want to be someone can rely on when they are feeling like this. Because I know how bad it sucks when you are feeling like this alone.
          Now that my ‘self-pity party’ is coming to a close I feel better. It still sucks having your day killed because of a traffic ticket. It ruins the season when you realize that you are alone (romantically) yet again for another holiday.  But most of all, largest mood killer is when I realize how selfish I have been since returning from California.

Dr.K
(Song: In My Arms; Artist: Plumb)