Shatter Every Window ‘Till it’s All Blown Away

          Wow, it has been a long time since I have written. I think mostly the reason I have not taken the time to write is mainly my job. And now I am about to complain; that what this blog is about, the woes of my life. The Bitter Critic is the right title; I am not the Positive Pansy. So as I was saying...
          I work as a Manager in the state side wannabe Nordstrom store known as Dillard’s. This place is full of people who don’t know what they are doing (myself included) and people who will not own up to their actions. Being in management I have had to deal with people that are higher in the company; for example: I had a large number of fixtures that we didn’t use, and still do not use. All these things do is collect dust and haven’t held clothes on them in probably 5 years at the least. When I got in contact with the guy in charge of inter-store shipments he told me to send a few. So I did what I was told. Next thing I know I have 10 people calling me from the distribution center wanting to know why these were on the truck, I explained to them and told them who told me to do it. When this guy was confronted he denied giving permission on anything. So who do they believe? the guy who has been there longer. Luckily I had the email that gave me the go ahead. Needless to say I am not this guy’s favorite person.

          These kinds of things don’t happen too often with corporate, but they still happen. But now let’s talk about the other managers in the store. I am the youngest manager out of the 10 managers (the shoes manager is just a couple years older than me) so I am the one everyone likes to boss around. I have actually enjoyed the opportunity to learn how to be a leader and delegate. That is not the issue, the issue is there are 3 people who are trying to do anything possible to get me out of the store; whether it is getting me fired (which they prefer) or putting so much pressure on me that I quit. I have considered talking to the store manager, the one over all of us; but he too is being targeted. The district manager has actually been in our store once regarding the claims to get the main manager fired.

          I have complained too many people about all these things, but what really stresses me out is the fact that there are people in this world out to ruin the lives of people they don’t like. I usually just ignore the people I don’t like, and I am surviving very well. But there are those who will work as hard as possible to destroy the lives of the people they hate. These 3 managers have caused a great desire for a tornado to come sweeping through Provo and take its path right on top of Dillard’s, collapsing on these 3 people. I was telling someone the other day at how I would not even flinch if I witnessed one in particular getting hit by a speeding car. I would just say “oh that’s too bad” then call the police, and leave not caring to know if she lived or died. What would cause me to be so cold hearted? Oh yeah, her unstoppable desire to get rid of me.

          Now watching Dillard’s burn with these 3 people trapped inside wouldn’t be half bad either, but what I do not understand is why did they give me a positive review when they were contemplating putting me into the position I am in now? I can only come up with the idea that they were pressured by others in the room who were giving positive reviews to also give a positive review, because they don’t want to go against the flow. Or maybe they thought I would be easily manipulated because I am young. Well since I have not been manipulated into their slave work I have somehow pissed them off to the point of them working on getting me in trouble and trying to force me out in some way. Sadly to say they will probably win, the environment is so toxic there that when I walk into Dillard’s in the morning I feel like I am suffocating. When I leave I feel free like I just climbed out of a very tight cave into a field.

          When I get home at night I lie on my bed and stare at the ceiling in awe that I survived another day. There are a few people I can talk to at work, but there is nothing they can do but complain with me. So that is why I have not been writing, I don’t even get up to make food for myself after work each day because I am so tired. That place it emotionally taxing, and physically at times. So I have tried to do things that make me happy, I have read a few books, watched a few TV shows and then I go to bed and start with the poison again bright and early the next day.

          I have been trying to be more positive lately, and some days it feels like swimming against the current, but I am making the attempt. So now let me tell you about someone that makes me happy, well 3 people, one is a Hollywood crush, another is a very good singer, and one is someone I know quite well. My new Hollywood crush is Valerie Bertinelli from the TV show Hot in Cleveland the second is Kelly Clarkson (That is a given) and the last is my Nephew Haydyn. He just seems to make everything better, unless he is tired, than he makes everyone want to put him to sleep. So to relieve myself of the stress of the hell hole I call work I listen to Kelly Clarkson on the way home from work, watch Valerie Bertinelli on Hot in Cleveland when I get home and pray for Haydyn and his cute little brother each night.

          I have even starting drinking herbal teas meant to relieve stress but alas, nothing there, I might hit the bottle soon. I have never been tempted to drink alcohol, but a blue bottle of sky vodka looked like a peaceful way to end the day the other night. I won’t start drinking because I know better, but if life doesn’t get better I might implode on myself.

 Dr.K

(Song: Blown Away; Artist: Carrie Underwood)

Somehow I Made It Here

          While being in an English class it makes it hard to find the desire to write blog posts. But since I have a two week break I think I’ll get some thoughts out. There is so much to discuss, I hope this post makes sense. And I hope that you take this read with a grain of salt, because I may say something that might offend someone. I want you to realize that I am probably not even talking about you. So don’t get offended.
          I think I may have scared a few people off with an introduction like that. Since English took over my writing these past months I have had a lot to think about and research. What I want everyone to know is that we as human beings are very disgusting. The things we do to the environment around us and how we treat others. I wrote my main paper on air pollution and inversion, we are all slowly killing the life around us. I am included in this, but I think now is not the time for me to be getting into this topic. Maybe in a future post I will enlighten you. Something I noticed was how we treat each other. I did not have to write a paper on this but I found it disturbing that we treat the people we appreciate with disrespect and then call it love. I observed different groups of people just sitting waiting for class to start, or alone in a movie theater, or even just walking down the mall. I saw a few people being all over each other and the first thing I thought was “new love” because just around the corner you see the newlyweds who are still holding hands but they seem bored. But my favorite is to see the young parents; the cute little wife trying to catch their millions of kids while the husband walks ten feet ahead of his family checking out the 18 year old working at a kiosk. This will happen to just about everyone, face it we are human. But something we can look forward to is being old. That is when the husband realizes how much he really loves his wife, that’s when he wants to hold hands and give all of his attention to her.

          Even at work, we are nice to each other’s face but once the slave driver of a manager walks away from me I throw my face into to look like I am about to vomit and can’t wait to complain about her crazy commands. Or when someone you think is a friend turns around and stabs you in the back through the heart, then turns the dagger around. Nothing is worse than a friend you confide in tells your complaints and secrets you tell in confidence to another person. The way we treat each other’s to protect ourselves from being wrong is lower than dirt.
          I have been reading a friend of mine’s journal from his mission; I love it, especially when I am mentioned (I love hearing how others see me). Doing this has put me into a nostalgic state. I crave the times we had doing things for others, the long hours we had knocking doors in a rural place, having doors slammed in your face and then going home at the end of the night and laughing with your friends about the crappy day you had. Some days I long for crappy mission days because what I am doing now seems a lot harder. Most people don’t really take into account that when I tell them I spend most of my nights alone I really mean, I am alone. I go out maybe once or twice a week, if I am lucky. So I have developed new friendships in things like my friends journal, books have been more personal to me than anything. As of late I have needed to remind myself that the things I read did not actually happen to me or a friend. One reason I really look to my books as friends is because they are there to entertain me at all times, they won’t ditch out on me for someone cooler, and I am in a good mood when I get done reading a good book. I do not always feel that way when I get home after a supposedly great evening with a friend. Music has been my anti-drug, I listen to it at every moment I can; I am listening to Josh Grobans “February Song” right now because he is one of the few people that can keep me hopeful. On crappy days, not that today is crappy but thinking about bad days can put you in a mood.

          A friend of mine just finished college; we went to dinner and got to catch up. She said something that I have noticed about college goers as well. She said it will be hard for her to date because there are a lot of guys who are not ambitious. For example: she met a guy who is doing an acting degree. She asked him what he was going to do with it and he had no plan. I understand this might be a poor example, but the principle is still the same. How are we supposed to keep this world moving if we have people with little ambition voting in a president when they do not even care to research who would be a better candidate? Or why would I want a careless professor teaching my nieces and nephews (because I am not having kids) in school? I find it scary to know we have a lot of people being lackadaisical about their future, because your future affects my future. So it was refreshing when I ran into a friend at the gym and she told me all the plans she and her husband have for after her graduation and his entering into grad school. I guess there is hope somewhere out there.
          Along those lines I want to think out loud for a minute; what kind of gratification is there is spending hours and hours doing nothing in the company of friends? I mean to say video games, movies and (I will probably be knifed in the alley way for this one) sports. When I hang out with someone I want it to be worth my time, I want to do something with them that is better than me being at home getting homework done, or finishing a good book. My roommates hosted way too many of these parties and I found it to be a complete waste of time. But I guess others will tell me wasting my time reading a book is worthless. Like I said though, thinking out loud.
          Love is an interesting thing. I realized unconditional love tonight as I was leaving my parents’ house. Something happened as we were driving away, this happens a lot, but I really thought about it tonight. I was in the car with my two nephews and my sister and brother-in-law waving to my mother goodbye as we drove away. We were leaving her alone because my dad is at work ‘till ten tonight. A little twinge and gilt went through my body as we were saying goodbye, I felt bad for leaving her there alone. She was so happy to have us there at the house, I wish I would have just driven up to the house and stayed the night tonight so she wouldn’t have to be alone for so long. I wonder at how people can treat their parents with such disrespect and hatred when the parents have been loving and caring for the kids their whole life. I understand every situation is different, but it goes back to how we treat the people we love. It is really sad when I see someone treating a stranger far better than they treat their own family.

          I did not mean to go off on how people treat each other, this happened to be a very long tangent, but I guess it has been a deep emotion I needed to bring to the surface.
          I got to see Kelly Clarkson in concert with a good friend of mine. I found it funny that her husband allowed her to go with me, obviously he is not worried. But I was highly entertained; unfortunately for my friend I think she was bored with me, I guess I have that effect. That is probably why I spend most of my nights alone. I have found it that I am not a very “emotion on my sleeve” type of person; especially when I am content. I guess I always have an angry look on my face. Ill add that to my list of things to work on (Problem to work on #452 save money for plastic surgery to make my content face happier).
          I am not even sure what this post is about. Mostly it is just me typing away some of the thoughts in my head so I can post a long needed update to my blog. I am sure many of the people reading this will roll their eyes at me or read into what I have said too much. I was just having a bit of a pity party here with a bit of venting and a dash of humor. Life is unpredictable and now that you have had a glimpse into the thoughts in my head maybe you all will ignore me even more. All I know is I am happy, and that is all that I am worried about at this point.

Dr.K

(Song: The Sun Will Rise (Feat. Kara Dioguardi); Artist: Kelly Clarkson)

I’m Going to Spend The Time With You

I watched Moulin Rouge a few weeks ago. I was sick one Sunday and decided to watch it since I was the only one home at the apartment. It was somewhat entertaining and I had forgotten a lot. I really like music and the storyline is actually kind of lame. I am not into the whole idea that this guy falls in love with the Diamond so quickly. It was still entertaining though. I have been the kind of person who has to get to know someone before I fall for them. That is probably why I am not dating a lot like others are.
          Anyways I was also thinking about the Katy Perry music video The One That Got Away. And if you have not seen the video, please watch it before going on. (There is a link to the video at the bottom of this post.) Now I am not saying the lyrics are the best, or that the song is my favorite. Katy Perry looks really great as an old person though. Anyway, it really has got me thinking lately. Mostly about life and how unfair it is.

          I may not have had anything similar happen to me like what happens in both those films. I never thought about how much you could love someone. Life and death have always been interesting to me. I am sad at funerals because of the obvious, but I don’t get overly upset because I know I will see that person again. One thing that I cannot fathom is losing someone to the point of never being able to see them again. I hold my relationships pretty high on my importance list. I have friends that I made in California that might not even remember my name; I hold our relationship very high also. Then I think about a relationship where I would love someone so much that is it is bothersome to be away from that person. What would happen to me if that person were to go away? What if they were to die or vanish from my life entirely? I do not believe I could function properly. Some things in this life are far more important than the small things before us. Something I want my friends, family, lovers, acquaintances or whoever you are out there to know is how much I love and appreciate all of you. You do not realize what you have until you do not have it anymore. I do not want to think about that with anyone in my life. My relationships are far too important to me.

 Dr.K

(Song: The Only One; Artist: Joel Piper)

Dirty Dancing in the Moonlight

          I would like to send a shout out and a Happy Birthday to my good friend Jordan Metcalf. She is my twin sister; we have different parents; we were born in different hospitals on opposite sides of the country and we look nothing alike. She and I have had an ongoing romance like that since I can remember because we were born on the same day. When we were younger it was the best thing ever to have someone share your birthday. Even in high school we would see each other in the halls and she would remind me how long we had till our birthday. Sometimes she had it down to the hour. I thought about this when last week I realized my birthday was less than a week away… oops, I guess they are not that important anymore. That is beside the point; I just want to say that Jordan is one of the greatest people I know. There are many reasons why; and I will only name a few:

She is married and has been for a little over a year now. There is something I really like about her and her husband; that is the fact that you could be the painfully obvious third wheel when you’re with them, but they do not make it feel awkward. They don’t let you feel like a third wheel at all. In fact when you hang out with just the two of them it is like hanging out with a couple of friends. I have to remind myself that they are married because it is so normal with them. I ran into them at a restaurant about a week after their wedding, I was eating alone and the two of them came over and sat with me at my table. We ate together and laughed and had fun. I will not forget that because I would have thought they wanted to be alone together. But what they told me was they had seen enough of each other lately and they will see each other a lot more so they wanted to sit with me. I love how great they are, I want my lasting relationship to be like that. I really enjoyed the idea that they wanted to eat with me.

Something else I really like about Jordan is how she makes sure everyone around her is comfortable. But she does not do it to the extent that a lot of people do; you know like when it is annoying. She makes everyone feel at home, and if they are not comfortable it is their fault. She is very personable and actually is genuine when she wants to help someone. I don’t really know how else to explain it. Oh, and she finds words that are normal in everyday life and makes them interesting. She took the word “Nugget” and used it as a word to describe her mood, things, and people. You name it. That is one of the many funny things she does.

The reason I gave this post the title of “Dirty Dancing in the Moonlight” was because I am sure that if anyone would do this it would be Jordan. That sounds bad… let me clarify. If Jordan would dirty dance or has dirty danced in the moonlight it was in a joking matter. She would probably listen to this song, pick out this line and dance like a dingy in the moonlight. Jo Jo McFly you are one of the greatest people I know. Thank you for having a positive influence in my life. Happy 23^rd Birthday!

Dr.K

(Song: Domino, Artist: Jessie J)