Never Gonna Let You Down

                I sit here on the eve of my birthday and have been thinking about the kinds of things I have been through since my last birthday. I have been through a lot emotionally, mentally, and lucky for me physically. I would not trade those terrors for anything because I have grown to be a better person because of them. Stress is the one thing I have yet to manage, but all in good time. I want to talk about my faults and how I have become a better person. Over the course of this year I have passes a chemistry class (yes it was the second time I took it) and I failed a Physiology class (yes I am taking it again this semester). I hate that school is taking me so long to get through but I am glad I get to learn things in different ways from different teachers. I had a bit of a mental breakdown after last semester because I didn’t pass physiology, and I guess Christmas time in retail didn’t help. (When I say mental breakdown I don’t really mean I needed to be institutionalized). There have been a few things happen emotionally over the year but I will get to that later. The one thing I was glad to start mastering this year was my physical stress. I was able to get halfway to my personal goal to where I wanted my body to be. I still have a lot of work to do but it is rewarding to see each little goal get achieved. Overall I am glad for my challenges this year, I have grown a lot and I know I am a better person because of it.

                I hit an emotional low this year. There were some days where I was so depressed that I would be at work and go into a stockroom just to cry because I almost couldn’t handle it anymore. I spent an entire vacation in bed not doing anything. I was truly depressed. But I was not depressed enough to get medical help. I told myself that. So I went 12 months walking around with a dark cloud hanging over my head. I would see posts on Facebook about getting rid of the bad things in your life and doing things for you.(Like the picture above) So I would do things for me. I would go to movies alone, I would read books I wanted to read, I would not hang out with people because it was too much effort or because I thought they were not benefiting my life. I basically began a life as a hermit. I hated having to leave my apartment, or my comfort zone. I was doing things for me, so why wasn’t I happy? My mom would tell you it is because I was not dating anyone and it’s because I am not married. I think there is more to it than that. I lost all care in humanity, I hated people. I hated other drivers, customers, I was irritated when my friends would try to be spontaneous and invite me to hang out the night of. I became a hardened shell of myself. The cause of all this emotional depression was recurring in my life daily. I had to face the issues all the time, it was constantly on my mind. I had been told I needed to worry about number one. I needed to make sure I was happy before I worried about anyone else’s happiness.  I agree with that to a point. I have learned by example from my parents over the years that real happiness is seeing others happy. When you see the ones you love truly happy than you will experience true happiness. I have wondered if that is why people today are depressed so bad. Because all they worry about is themselves, don’t let me sound insensitive, I know there are people who really do need medical help for their depression. But I was not one of those people. I had engulfed my life into a selfish cocoon. 

I saw this post one day and it made me so mad. I have a good friend who surrounds herself with people that could be potentially a hazard to her wellbeing. Instead of allowing those people to bring her down she has been the one person among those people to bring them up. She is the helping hand that allows others to become better because she is such a good person. She makes a good time out of a rainy day. So when I see things like this on Facebook or Twitter I get mad and close the program. I cannot stand the idea of being a social climber and getting what you need out of your friends than moving on to the next group to get what you want or think you need out of them. I have a group of friends that I keep in touch with from high school, we don’t talk often but when we do it is like no time has passed. If I were to go through something truly terrible, these are the people I would rely on. They are the ones that know me the best, even when I have grown so much since seeing them. We all have arrived at different experiences and points in our lives, I would surround myself with them any day because although we are all on different levels we are all there to build each other up.

I have had people come into my life who I thought the world of, they were people who I grew close to and loved so much. They had things I didn’t like, but because I had a great love for them I would look past those faults. I had things they didn’t like about me either so things were mutual. Love for friends is so big that my happiness sometimes depends on their happiness. If one of those people is having a rough day I do what I can do to make them happy. Rather than yelling at them because they are clearly having a down day I would let them talk out the stress and cry things out. I remember one day I was talking to a friend of mine and complaining about something, I can’t remember what it was, and he started yelling at me. I was taken back and I stopped relying on him for things because he was not being soft with my emotions, he was being selfish and not wanting to try and comfort me. Eventually that friendship fell apart because he was an overall selfish person. Something we do need to be careful of is those people who think they can bring you down from your morals. I am a pretty easy person to get along with; my mission president told me he put me with certain missionaries because I get along with nearly anyone. But I see friends come and go when I have to stand up for what I believe in. I have a friend I only see like once a year, but he likes to push my buttons and he tries to discuss things with me that he and I don’t see eye to eye on. Hence the reason we see each other once a year. I had another friend take me to a party where the host was smoking and offering pot to everyone. I was in a rage when we left because those who know me know my stand against illegal drugs. Needless to say I and this friend don’t talk anymore. So yes I do agree with this picture a bit. But overall I think the best thing you can get out of life is lifting others up. The people who bring you down will fizzle out of your life because they do not progress with someone like you. If you have someone leave your life because of this reason, and you are sad over it, remember this: Don’t feel bad for yourself for losing this person, feel bad for them because they gave up on someone who would have never given up on them.

The point of all this is that I want to say I do not agree with people and their aspect on being selfish to be happy. When you forget yourself and lose yourself in serving others you will be a happy person.

(Song: Never Gonna Give You Up; Artist: Rick Astley)