Anthem of our Dying Day

I have been thinking a lot about this blog. What it was created to be like, what it has turned into. I have been thinking of what to post next, what to talk about. When I logged onto the site today I realized I have not posted anything for nearly a year. So let’s do a recap; I still work in Hell, but on a good note, Hell has cooled a bit and it not as horrible as it used to be.  School has become complicated and more difficult. I wish someone would just tell me what I am going to do with the rest of my life so I can plan now. I have met new people, heard stories from crazy people, watched many movies, television shows have become my reality and I sleep 5 hours a night. Music is the only thoughts in my head and “healthy food” is food I only buy at McDonalds.

“So what did you feel like complaining about today” do you ask? Nothing. I think it might be a great idea to kind of adapt and talk about something I had to do as an assignment for a class the other day. This class is called “Foundations of Recreation” and it is what it sounds like. We talk about things like camping, watching the stars, talking to animals, and even becoming hermits. Well, that may be a bit of an exaggeration but it is close. The assignment I was doing last night was “contemplation”. I was supposed to contemplate for an hour with no electronics. Since my A.D.D. wouldn’t let me sit still so long I decided to go for a drive. I was thinking about things in the lyrics of the last song I was listening to before I started the assignment. “Aftermath” by Adam Lambert. I picked out a few phrases I remembered and thought about them, and considered how to make them apply in my life.

Anytime anybody pulls you down

Anytime anybody says you're not allowed

Just remember you are not alone

In the aftermath

Not that I have been severely depressed lately, or that I have been bullied. But I have an inner bully. I seem to pull myself down daily; I have been trying to change that. I have been trying to build myself up a bit. Instead I look at myself in the mirror and wonder why I look like that. I think about all the work I have done to be healthy and I get mad at myself for having to work, because if I didn’t work maybe I would be good at something. Maybe I could do an iron man competition.  I then realize that I am not useless in life, and I build myself up a bit (not enough to undo the damage I do to myself because I try really hard not to become arrogant or conceded). But sometimes it is a little hard to get the negative voice in your head to stop putting yourself down.

Tell a stranger that they're beautiful

So all you feel is love, love

All you feel is love, love

I actually tried this once, it was quite invigorating. You see the person light up and you kind of see the negative Nancy voice in their head shut up. The best part is when they say “Thank You” it is probably the most genuine “Thank You” you have received in a while. It just makes you feel good. So yes, Adam Lambert was right, all you do feel is love.

            The best part of this whole song is the tune, the voice, and the lyrics. Pretty much a great song, but I like listening to it because it builds me up. I have other personal reasons why I like this song that I don’t feel appropriate to share at this time, but it is meaningful to me. So it was nice to think about it for a bit. And “Just Remember You are Not Alone”

            Another song I was thinking about was “Everybody Hurts” by Avril Lavigne:

Everybody hurts some days

It's okay to be afraid

Everybody hurts, everybody screams

Everybody feels this way

And it's okay, it's okay, it's okay

I know these lyrics are really cheesy but when you’re in a bad mood or had a bad day it is actually quite comforting. I think it is comforting at least’ because it is nice to know someone else out there is going through bad days too. Unfortunately it might not be your boss or your nemesis, but someone is and it’s nice to be reminded of that. The last song I was thinking about was “Hymn” by Brooke Fraser.

If to distant lands I scatter

If I sail to farthest seas

Would You find and firm and gather

‘Til I only dwell in Thee?

If I flee from greenest pastures

Would You leave to look for me?

Forfeit glory to come after

‘Til I only dwell in Thee

If my heart has one ambition

If my soul one goal to seek

This my solitary vision

‘Til I only dwell in Thee

That I only dwell in Thee

‘Til I only dwell in Thee

This is one of my all-time favorite songs. I enjoy listening to songs that play with my emotions and get my brain to calm down, this song does it entirely. Tying all three songs together, the lyrics and all one might see the many issues and struggles going on in my life. (No nobody will figure out my problems from studying the lyrics). But I wanted to vocalize a bit about the thoughts that were in my head at the time I was supposed to be contemplating.

Life can be very difficult; not living up to your parent’s expectations (I don’t think they realize how serious I am about not getting married). Failing at work (I am at work longer than I sleep, studies were done and I am 100% serious. So when I am told I am failing I take it harder than most people) even when your failing chemistry (really, it is a lot harder than I thought) life sucks.

I have given up on facebook. Sorry friends, I hate seeing you happy. I hate seeing you out partying it up with your new roommates and friends. Sorry former mission companions I hate seeing you and your family of 3 out on the beach. I hate seeing all those sick kids begging for likes. A like on facebook is not going to change laws, it is not going to make a person have a miracle in their life, I am tired of seeing these things! Let’s face it. All I look for in life is the next laugh. The next moment to make me feel dumb for thinking I was smart, for the next person to yell at themselves in the middle of a parking lot. I even look for the little kids to act like adults with their young children minds.

This class has taught me quite a bit about time and how it is used, how it is wasted. The last thing I want to say to God when I die is “yeah… I wasted a lot of time.” Instead I would rather say “at least I was making myself useful by grafitti-ing the side of that building with art.” Or “I was doing shooting practice to prepare me for the Zombie apocalypse.” I would even be fine with “I had sex a lot” rather than saying “I am a time waster.” 

Now that I have covered every topic under the sun, let’s stop wasting time and energy on talking bad about ourselves in our heads, and let’s build others up by giving genuine compliments that will earn genuine Thank You’s. All changes start with you. So if you’re sick of seeing all those poor sick children begging for likes, don’t like the page. You won’t be punished by God for it. (I tried not liking all those pages and I had a good day, so go still loves me). It’s not that I am not caring; I just don’t think facebook is a good way of expressing your care. “Oh I ‘Liked’ a picture of a kid with cancer this morning, so now he will be cancer free by the end of the day.” Or it is even worse because people will like something and forgets about it because they think that they did something important by clicking a button.

I am stepping off my soapbox now.

Until I find time again. Good Day.

 

(Song: Anthem of our Dying Day, Artist: Story of the Year)