Never Gonna Let You Down

                I sit here on the eve of my birthday and have been thinking about the kinds of things I have been through since my last birthday. I have been through a lot emotionally, mentally, and lucky for me physically. I would not trade those terrors for anything because I have grown to be a better person because of them. Stress is the one thing I have yet to manage, but all in good time. I want to talk about my faults and how I have become a better person. Over the course of this year I have passes a chemistry class (yes it was the second time I took it) and I failed a Physiology class (yes I am taking it again this semester). I hate that school is taking me so long to get through but I am glad I get to learn things in different ways from different teachers. I had a bit of a mental breakdown after last semester because I didn’t pass physiology, and I guess Christmas time in retail didn’t help. (When I say mental breakdown I don’t really mean I needed to be institutionalized). There have been a few things happen emotionally over the year but I will get to that later. The one thing I was glad to start mastering this year was my physical stress. I was able to get halfway to my personal goal to where I wanted my body to be. I still have a lot of work to do but it is rewarding to see each little goal get achieved. Overall I am glad for my challenges this year, I have grown a lot and I know I am a better person because of it.

                I hit an emotional low this year. There were some days where I was so depressed that I would be at work and go into a stockroom just to cry because I almost couldn’t handle it anymore. I spent an entire vacation in bed not doing anything. I was truly depressed. But I was not depressed enough to get medical help. I told myself that. So I went 12 months walking around with a dark cloud hanging over my head. I would see posts on Facebook about getting rid of the bad things in your life and doing things for you.(Like the picture above) So I would do things for me. I would go to movies alone, I would read books I wanted to read, I would not hang out with people because it was too much effort or because I thought they were not benefiting my life. I basically began a life as a hermit. I hated having to leave my apartment, or my comfort zone. I was doing things for me, so why wasn’t I happy? My mom would tell you it is because I was not dating anyone and it’s because I am not married. I think there is more to it than that. I lost all care in humanity, I hated people. I hated other drivers, customers, I was irritated when my friends would try to be spontaneous and invite me to hang out the night of. I became a hardened shell of myself. The cause of all this emotional depression was recurring in my life daily. I had to face the issues all the time, it was constantly on my mind. I had been told I needed to worry about number one. I needed to make sure I was happy before I worried about anyone else’s happiness.  I agree with that to a point. I have learned by example from my parents over the years that real happiness is seeing others happy. When you see the ones you love truly happy than you will experience true happiness. I have wondered if that is why people today are depressed so bad. Because all they worry about is themselves, don’t let me sound insensitive, I know there are people who really do need medical help for their depression. But I was not one of those people. I had engulfed my life into a selfish cocoon. 

I saw this post one day and it made me so mad. I have a good friend who surrounds herself with people that could be potentially a hazard to her wellbeing. Instead of allowing those people to bring her down she has been the one person among those people to bring them up. She is the helping hand that allows others to become better because she is such a good person. She makes a good time out of a rainy day. So when I see things like this on Facebook or Twitter I get mad and close the program. I cannot stand the idea of being a social climber and getting what you need out of your friends than moving on to the next group to get what you want or think you need out of them. I have a group of friends that I keep in touch with from high school, we don’t talk often but when we do it is like no time has passed. If I were to go through something truly terrible, these are the people I would rely on. They are the ones that know me the best, even when I have grown so much since seeing them. We all have arrived at different experiences and points in our lives, I would surround myself with them any day because although we are all on different levels we are all there to build each other up.

I have had people come into my life who I thought the world of, they were people who I grew close to and loved so much. They had things I didn’t like, but because I had a great love for them I would look past those faults. I had things they didn’t like about me either so things were mutual. Love for friends is so big that my happiness sometimes depends on their happiness. If one of those people is having a rough day I do what I can do to make them happy. Rather than yelling at them because they are clearly having a down day I would let them talk out the stress and cry things out. I remember one day I was talking to a friend of mine and complaining about something, I can’t remember what it was, and he started yelling at me. I was taken back and I stopped relying on him for things because he was not being soft with my emotions, he was being selfish and not wanting to try and comfort me. Eventually that friendship fell apart because he was an overall selfish person. Something we do need to be careful of is those people who think they can bring you down from your morals. I am a pretty easy person to get along with; my mission president told me he put me with certain missionaries because I get along with nearly anyone. But I see friends come and go when I have to stand up for what I believe in. I have a friend I only see like once a year, but he likes to push my buttons and he tries to discuss things with me that he and I don’t see eye to eye on. Hence the reason we see each other once a year. I had another friend take me to a party where the host was smoking and offering pot to everyone. I was in a rage when we left because those who know me know my stand against illegal drugs. Needless to say I and this friend don’t talk anymore. So yes I do agree with this picture a bit. But overall I think the best thing you can get out of life is lifting others up. The people who bring you down will fizzle out of your life because they do not progress with someone like you. If you have someone leave your life because of this reason, and you are sad over it, remember this: Don’t feel bad for yourself for losing this person, feel bad for them because they gave up on someone who would have never given up on them.

The point of all this is that I want to say I do not agree with people and their aspect on being selfish to be happy. When you forget yourself and lose yourself in serving others you will be a happy person.

(Song: Never Gonna Give You Up; Artist: Rick Astley)

Love, Where is Your Fire?

What is Love? I have been thinking about this for a while. What are the things that make up the emotion of love? Is it just a phrase said to keep your friends close? In my family we don’t express that we love each other too often. It’s not that we don’t care for each other; we just don’t say “I love you.” So naturally because of that I have grown to understandings that some words have more power than others when you use them correctly. I have said it before to friends. But I said it in a meaning of ‘you guys are my best friends and it would be hard to live without you guys.’ But what does it really mean? Yes it would be hard to live without them and I would miss them, but I would not shrivel up and die if they were gone.

The dictionary says many things but the first one I think of when I think of ‘Love’ is “Have a great affection or liking for.” I have figured this is most likely what most people think as well. I have felt a great liking for a lot of things and people. About two years ago I saw my dog get hit by a car right in front of my eyes. When she died in my arms on the way to the vet office I cried. But I cried out of sadness for not being able to see her or play with her again. I was being selfish in a way. I have been taught that we will see our family and friends again and I consider my dog to be a part of the family, so I was relieved to rely on my beliefs that I will see her again. Yes it was a sad time to watch her go and I miss her all the time but is that love? To me that is missing something you had and looking forward to seeing that something again. Not necessarily ‘Love.’

Another definition is “Sexual activities between two people.” To me that is lust. Our bodies have a natural physical drive and often times I hear people say “Don’t get confused between Love and Lust.” But from my point of view that happens a lot. I see many people around me get married at young ages (like 18-21) and I wonder if they are infatuated with each other because of lust or if they truly will do anything for the other person. they may say they would but actions speak louder than words. In my personal opinion I think that is too young of an age to judge between Love and raging hormones. Can someone ‘Love’ someone because of lust? To the point that they will do anything for them because they lust them so much? I believe that is so but that will lead to many other bad qualities in an individual. I watched a movie about this the other night. A woman fell out of love with her husband and was lusting after another man. She eventually “fell in love” with him. But at the end she was so paranoid that the man she now loved was cheating on her she committed suicide. That is not love to me. That is a vice. So what is Love? Is it a liking for something? Is it a lust for something? Or is it a combination of the two?

“Any object of warm affection or devotion” is probably the most common way that people show Love in their life. Doing things you find enjoyable. I have a love for reading and so I do it when I can because I enjoy it. But that would bring us back to liking something. You like something so much you enjoy doing it. You like someone so much you enjoy being with them. But I have enjoyed another’s company without loving them. I have a respect for my religion. I love it. I have been devoted to it for the majority of my life. But that is a respect, a liking, a comfort. But I do not think this is Love; I believe it is an enjoyable time with the things or people you enjoy being with.

In the least “a beloved person” is someone you love. Someone you hold in high regards. Someone who you look up to, someone you respect so much that you want to be close to them or be like them. For many people this would be Christ. He showed selflessness and devotion to mankind. He respected each of us to the point that he gave his own life for each of us that we could live with God again. That is pure Love in my eyes. Have I ever felt that way towards anyone? That I would die for them? Sad to say I have not. Now I have thought that I would do what it takes to protect my nieces and nephews when we are out Christmas shopping in the winter. But I think like that more because I don’t want their parents to kill me if something happened to them.

Let’s bring this full circle. What is the meaning “to be IN LOVE”? I listen to a lot of music… a lot of music and there are plenty of love songs that are in the mix of things. The way these artists describe Love is something that I have never felt. I have felt them in other aspects like showing devotion, a liking for something, a fondness for something too. But I have never been IN LOVE. For me I am not sure that is possible. I think about things too much. So is love just an emotion made up by chemical releases in the brain or is it real? Is it something that we can chase after? Is it something you can feel about someone just by thinking of them or being in their presence?

To me it is something that we have made up in our minds. When you lose someone you love, you may cry it out for a few days or weeks but eventually you get over it and move on to the next love of your life. That’s how we are. Is there one person for me out there? Most likely because it is set in the plan that God made. But is it possible to love someone else instead of the one I am destined to be with? Yes. Our minds and emotions are a lot more like machines than we care to admit.

 

 

(Song: Love, Where is your Fire? Artist: Brooke Fraser)

I thought Of Angels Choking on Their Halo's

         Summer has finally arrived and it is my favorite time of year. (Yes I love summer more than Christmas) With it being so very hot and it brings out all the crazy people. Along with the crazy people it also brings out my desire to yell at more people too. I have to admit that I have road rage… to a point. I hate more than almost anything when people do not use their blinkers; I had half a mind the other day to run someone off the road because of their lack of blinker usage. 
        I have had a little bit of a disappointment because of my idea to try out for Americas Next Top Model was sadly crushed by two reasons. The first was when they did not have guys on the new season, and because of the fact that I cannot act serious when a camera is in front of my face. My cousins and I decided to try and take some pictures and I just couldn’t act serious. So I have been thinking about my future (something I do a lot) and I have the problem of trying to stay in my comfort zone, I hate making big mistakes. But let’s face it no one does.  And the more I think about it the more stressful it becomes thinking about becoming someone in the medical field. I like the amount of money I will be making if I do go into that field, and it would be somewhat rewarding. Although I have talked to people in the medical field and s lot of them look down on humanity because there are lots of people who think they deserve free stuff, or the doctor will warn them that their lifestyle is unhealthy, but they continue to live that way. I always thought that working to help people would be rewarding, but it seems to be worse than retail (I shudder at the thought of retail being better). So what if I was able to work for a company that would help people make their dreams come true? I mean thinking a lot about Top Model and how to audition got me talking to people about all types of auditions, dance, singing, sports. It all was too much for me to see how they gave up on their dream after they did not make it to where they wanted to go.
 

        I want to find a place where I can help people find their niche and help them create that little desire into a professional activity they do. For example: I have always wanted to excel at something, I wanted to play the guitar, didn’t do it because I did not have the proper teachers that would stick with me long enough to work through my annoying complaints. Or photography, I love taking pictures, I loved doing my photography internship and it drives me insane when someone comes along and has near no experience taking pictures and then all of the sudden they are “experts” with facebook pages that everyone promotes just because they have friends. I am sorry but buying a professional camera and photoshop does not make you a photographer. Any idiot can do that. But there are people that I commend that continue on in school t become a photographer. Like my friend Becca Lindsay. Look up her stuff at Becca Lindsay Photography. She is still in school but her pictures will blow the majority of photographers out of the water here in “make it yourself” Utah. Sorry for the rant but this is a huge peeve of mine.

          Let’s get back to the point here; I want to make some type of place that amateur kids can go somewhere and become an expert at something. Let’s make a place that would be able to provide a way for kids to follow their dreams and have the resources to follow that dream. The American idea is that the only way to make your dreams come true are to be on TV and have producers of a television show get your name out there so you can sell more CD’s. or sell more tickets at some sort of dance performance. Television only lasts so long before they have moved onto the next big thing. My point here is that for a job profession I want someone to help me create a place where these things are possible. And the sky is the limit, creating a dream come true for a kid would be more rewarding than educating overweight diabetics how to eat healthier for their bodies. By far more rewarding than picking out a camera at the store and thinking you are a professional photographer. It is somewhere I think it would have appreciated as a child. Let’s get societies "angels of opportunity" to choke on their halo's and change the way things are done in the world today. (Uh oh, my philosophy class has gotten into my thinking process…)


(Song:Just One Yesterday (Feat. Foxes), Artist: Fall Out Boy)

I'm Just a Holy Fool

          Over the last few days I have been thinking about all the weird quirky things I do. All the things I find annoying about myself and ways that I think I am hilarious. I have had many depressing posts in the past and I realized I was a very depressed and negative person. So I have been trying to revamp my life and be more positive. I realized I cannot control everything that goes on but I can control how I react to it. Honestly I have to give thanks to one of my idols, Tina Fey, watching her television show 30 Rock has shown me that everyone has strange moments in their life.

          In one episode I remember Liz Lemon (Tina Fey) came home to find the producer of her TV show doing the dirty with his wife in her bed. She walks in the room disgusted and says “AWW man, serious? I eat in there.” Well that is something I do a lot. Actually I eat every meal at home in my bed. Mainly because my apartment was lived in by the world’s most gross hoboes. I have to walk around on the carpet with socks because if I don’t the nasty black carpet turns my feet black and eventually turns the bathtub black, my sheets black, and even turns my white shoes black (I don’t own a pair of white shoes, but if I did the carpet would turn the black). So there is a funny thing I do, but seriously my apartment smells like someone had a 100 year long orgy in here. It smells worse than a locker room after a football game. I lock myself in my room and waste my cologne spraying it everywhere trying to get the smell out.

          For those who are close to me know that I don’t really want kids. Not that I don’t like kids (I say I don’t like kids but it’s mostly the fact that I don’t want my own). I am not sure where this all came from. I like my nieces and nephews and sometimes other kids. But most of the time I roll my eyes at kids and make fun of them. So basically I am the devil according to young parents and grandparents. I tell people at work that when I babysit my nephews I put them to bed at like 3. “Ok Haydyn and Brodie, your mom and dad have been gone for 10 minutes, time for bed.” I usually say it like they are barely able to understand me. But then Hayden will be like “Uh, no. my mom said I can stay up until they get home.” Then I say to him “When you get such a big vocabulary?” he is 6 almost 7. I don’t know where he learned these things so fast, shouldn’t he still be saying “goo goo gaga.” Oh well, my friends at work think I am the worst uncle. Especially because Brodie gets shy around me when he hasn’t seen me in a while. So they will say things like “Oh see, he doesn’t like you because you make him go to bed at 3 PM.” But the kid is 2, he doesn’t know the difference in time.

          I have a bad problem in my subconscious. It is so deep in my personality that it was not an easy thing to realize but I found it, especially when I had Mission companions get mad at me for being rude. This is something else that I feel I can relate to Liz Lemon in 30 Rock. There is an episode in the second season where Liz decides to go to a class reunion. After a long deliberation she is talked into it. She was hesitant because she was made fun in high school. When she gets to the reunion she soon learns that she was the bully in high school saying snide, rude comments to the “cool” classmates. Now I feel like I am like this because like I said, I have issues. I tend to really hate people with preppy happy personalities, well I guess not preppy, but too happy that is doesn’t seem genuine. I usually stare at them and smile, but in my head I think “Please someone kill her/him… or me!” But the really bad thing is when I encounter someone who thinks very highly of themselves. My biggest problem I have with anything in life is when someone is arrogant and cocky. Early in life I thought it was just me being annoyed of it, but I hate it so bad that it entered into my subconscious and I developed a serial killer attitude toward arrogance. I feel it is a horrible attribute and it should be destroyed from anyone’s personality. That being said…

          I had a companion on my Mission who was the definition of arrogance. If you looked up the name in the dictionary his was one of the many pictures under the definition. I am going to describe to you this guy, I may seem a little rude but I am only writing the truth. Let’s call this guy Elder T. Elder T was from Georgia. The armpit of the United States, honestly that’s one reason I watch the walking dead, to see how rednecks would survive the end of the world. Because we need to NOT have rednecks repopulating the earth, but that is another story. This guy was balding on top, his hair was thin and he cut it really short so no one would see his balding spot. He had big lips and let a slight goatee grow (although it was against mission rules to have facial hair) the goatee was not bad but you could see he purposely did not shave that area every day, just every other day or every two days. I would catch a glimpse of him through a sliver in the door of the bathroom (I know I am a creep, but his arrogance was so interesting to watch). He would put on his aviator sunglasses and have his backpack on looking at himself in the mirror. He always had a toothpick hanging out of his mouth. He thought he was the shiz. So I tell you about him because being with him all day every day for six weeks drove me insane. I noticed I was doing a kind of defense mechanism or something; I would put him down when he would talk. We would have dinner with members of the congregation and he had like an oil leakage of self-promoting compliments oozing out of his mouth all the time. Every time he spoke I made a comment that seemed to even out his story. He would say something about himself, I would tell them about something dumb or funny he did so the world would keep its balance. We were at one house where this family’s teenage son pulled me aside and said “Dude, what’s wrong with the other guy?” I DON’T KNOW! The point of this story is that I have a BIG issue with arrogant and cocky people; I somehow find the things I hate about them or the things they are doing wrong and bring them out to the surface. Seeing them humble up a bit when I catch them at a moment’s weakness is rewarding. I told you, I have issues.

          So, because of my inner bully I have found another similarity to Liz Lemon.  I am finishing up for tonight, I have more of the same characteristics with Liz Lemon that I can discuss another night.

 

(Song:Judas, Artist:Lady GaGa)

Where There is Desire There's Gonna Be a Flame

For some reason I feel like today will be a day I feel like sharing something that I find really embarrassing. I don’t share it with too many people. I have a strange fascination with Americas Next Top Model. I know, weird right. I tend to say the title of the show really quietly and shy-like when I tell someone. I found the show on my Amazon prime account and have been watching old seasons. Actually it has been the seasons that I started watching it (cycle 7 and cycle 8).

Lately I have been watching it a lot, between 30 Rock and ANTM that is all I watch lately. I hate seeing all the drama. What I love watching is the photo-shoots and the creativity that some photographers produce. So the other day I had gone into work the day after a day off and was talking to a friend at work. We were being a little immature and laughing about things when she asked what I did the day before. I had a look of shame on my face when I responded quietly, “I watched Americas Next Top Model, and worked on homework.” rather than looking at me and laughing like most people do she says, “Oh! I love that show!” well that was a relief. So we talked for a while about our favorite photo-shoots and how complicated some of the challenges were. Then she says to me (by the way this was really random because I had not shown any desire into what she was about to say) “You should apply to be on the show.” I was surprised because I was like “Do I look like a girl to you?” when all of the sudden it dawned on me that the current season has male and female contestants. So I politely declined her persuading antics. It would be fun to do even if I was the first person voted off.

Needless to say I have been thinking a lot about this. I have watched many more full seasons (let me rephrase: I watch through the photo-shoot than skip to the next episode). The more I watch it the more I think it would be exciting to do. I feel so dumb even talking about this to real people who might actually read this blog. I have thought about taking a leave from work for it if I actually made it on the show, I have thought about “who is going to pay my bills while I am gone if I am there for several weeks? And let’s face it, this is all hypothetical, I do not have the body of a male model, I could work on it harder than I actually am. But hey it is fun to entertain an idea like this every once in a while right?

This friend and I at work have been talking and decided to have our own photo-shoot. We are going to get together and have some fun taking photos. Now luckily these are people who I can have a good time with and feel like an idiot. I guess this will help me decide if I want to really do this, and even then, if I look at my pictures and they look great and I worked well in front of a camera rather than behind it, I might apply. But for all those who know me I most likely will be too lazy and feel dumb about applying.

I have a good friend who has done a lot of fashion design schooling and is not working for a good company designing clothes. Something I remember her talking about while she was in school was how some of her teachers were basically telling them that fashion is more important than breathing. Now with an attitude industry like that I don’t know how I can manage. I like to learn new things, well things that interest me. I don’t know if I could handle someone telling me that if I don’t do a photo-shoot I am useless. Look at me actually considering this, I am laughing out loud right now...

Now that I have shared something I feel is embarrassing I want everyone who talks to me after reading this to treat me like normal and not make fun of me, I make fun of myself enough. If I get together with my friends and do the photo-shoot we have been discussing I will post my favorite pictures. The end.

 

 

(Song: Try, Artist: P!nk)

Anthem of our Dying Day

I have been thinking a lot about this blog. What it was created to be like, what it has turned into. I have been thinking of what to post next, what to talk about. When I logged onto the site today I realized I have not posted anything for nearly a year. So let’s do a recap; I still work in Hell, but on a good note, Hell has cooled a bit and it not as horrible as it used to be.  School has become complicated and more difficult. I wish someone would just tell me what I am going to do with the rest of my life so I can plan now. I have met new people, heard stories from crazy people, watched many movies, television shows have become my reality and I sleep 5 hours a night. Music is the only thoughts in my head and “healthy food” is food I only buy at McDonalds.

“So what did you feel like complaining about today” do you ask? Nothing. I think it might be a great idea to kind of adapt and talk about something I had to do as an assignment for a class the other day. This class is called “Foundations of Recreation” and it is what it sounds like. We talk about things like camping, watching the stars, talking to animals, and even becoming hermits. Well, that may be a bit of an exaggeration but it is close. The assignment I was doing last night was “contemplation”. I was supposed to contemplate for an hour with no electronics. Since my A.D.D. wouldn’t let me sit still so long I decided to go for a drive. I was thinking about things in the lyrics of the last song I was listening to before I started the assignment. “Aftermath” by Adam Lambert. I picked out a few phrases I remembered and thought about them, and considered how to make them apply in my life.

Anytime anybody pulls you down

Anytime anybody says you're not allowed

Just remember you are not alone

In the aftermath

Not that I have been severely depressed lately, or that I have been bullied. But I have an inner bully. I seem to pull myself down daily; I have been trying to change that. I have been trying to build myself up a bit. Instead I look at myself in the mirror and wonder why I look like that. I think about all the work I have done to be healthy and I get mad at myself for having to work, because if I didn’t work maybe I would be good at something. Maybe I could do an iron man competition.  I then realize that I am not useless in life, and I build myself up a bit (not enough to undo the damage I do to myself because I try really hard not to become arrogant or conceded). But sometimes it is a little hard to get the negative voice in your head to stop putting yourself down.

Tell a stranger that they're beautiful

So all you feel is love, love

All you feel is love, love

I actually tried this once, it was quite invigorating. You see the person light up and you kind of see the negative Nancy voice in their head shut up. The best part is when they say “Thank You” it is probably the most genuine “Thank You” you have received in a while. It just makes you feel good. So yes, Adam Lambert was right, all you do feel is love.

            The best part of this whole song is the tune, the voice, and the lyrics. Pretty much a great song, but I like listening to it because it builds me up. I have other personal reasons why I like this song that I don’t feel appropriate to share at this time, but it is meaningful to me. So it was nice to think about it for a bit. And “Just Remember You are Not Alone”

            Another song I was thinking about was “Everybody Hurts” by Avril Lavigne:

Everybody hurts some days

It's okay to be afraid

Everybody hurts, everybody screams

Everybody feels this way

And it's okay, it's okay, it's okay

I know these lyrics are really cheesy but when you’re in a bad mood or had a bad day it is actually quite comforting. I think it is comforting at least’ because it is nice to know someone else out there is going through bad days too. Unfortunately it might not be your boss or your nemesis, but someone is and it’s nice to be reminded of that. The last song I was thinking about was “Hymn” by Brooke Fraser.

If to distant lands I scatter

If I sail to farthest seas

Would You find and firm and gather

‘Til I only dwell in Thee?

If I flee from greenest pastures

Would You leave to look for me?

Forfeit glory to come after

‘Til I only dwell in Thee

If my heart has one ambition

If my soul one goal to seek

This my solitary vision

‘Til I only dwell in Thee

That I only dwell in Thee

‘Til I only dwell in Thee

This is one of my all-time favorite songs. I enjoy listening to songs that play with my emotions and get my brain to calm down, this song does it entirely. Tying all three songs together, the lyrics and all one might see the many issues and struggles going on in my life. (No nobody will figure out my problems from studying the lyrics). But I wanted to vocalize a bit about the thoughts that were in my head at the time I was supposed to be contemplating.

Life can be very difficult; not living up to your parent’s expectations (I don’t think they realize how serious I am about not getting married). Failing at work (I am at work longer than I sleep, studies were done and I am 100% serious. So when I am told I am failing I take it harder than most people) even when your failing chemistry (really, it is a lot harder than I thought) life sucks.

I have given up on facebook. Sorry friends, I hate seeing you happy. I hate seeing you out partying it up with your new roommates and friends. Sorry former mission companions I hate seeing you and your family of 3 out on the beach. I hate seeing all those sick kids begging for likes. A like on facebook is not going to change laws, it is not going to make a person have a miracle in their life, I am tired of seeing these things! Let’s face it. All I look for in life is the next laugh. The next moment to make me feel dumb for thinking I was smart, for the next person to yell at themselves in the middle of a parking lot. I even look for the little kids to act like adults with their young children minds.

This class has taught me quite a bit about time and how it is used, how it is wasted. The last thing I want to say to God when I die is “yeah… I wasted a lot of time.” Instead I would rather say “at least I was making myself useful by grafitti-ing the side of that building with art.” Or “I was doing shooting practice to prepare me for the Zombie apocalypse.” I would even be fine with “I had sex a lot” rather than saying “I am a time waster.” 

Now that I have covered every topic under the sun, let’s stop wasting time and energy on talking bad about ourselves in our heads, and let’s build others up by giving genuine compliments that will earn genuine Thank You’s. All changes start with you. So if you’re sick of seeing all those poor sick children begging for likes, don’t like the page. You won’t be punished by God for it. (I tried not liking all those pages and I had a good day, so go still loves me). It’s not that I am not caring; I just don’t think facebook is a good way of expressing your care. “Oh I ‘Liked’ a picture of a kid with cancer this morning, so now he will be cancer free by the end of the day.” Or it is even worse because people will like something and forgets about it because they think that they did something important by clicking a button.

I am stepping off my soapbox now.

Until I find time again. Good Day.

 

(Song: Anthem of our Dying Day, Artist: Story of the Year)

Shatter Every Window ‘Till it’s All Blown Away

          Wow, it has been a long time since I have written. I think mostly the reason I have not taken the time to write is mainly my job. And now I am about to complain; that what this blog is about, the woes of my life. The Bitter Critic is the right title; I am not the Positive Pansy. So as I was saying...
          I work as a Manager in the state side wannabe Nordstrom store known as Dillard’s. This place is full of people who don’t know what they are doing (myself included) and people who will not own up to their actions. Being in management I have had to deal with people that are higher in the company; for example: I had a large number of fixtures that we didn’t use, and still do not use. All these things do is collect dust and haven’t held clothes on them in probably 5 years at the least. When I got in contact with the guy in charge of inter-store shipments he told me to send a few. So I did what I was told. Next thing I know I have 10 people calling me from the distribution center wanting to know why these were on the truck, I explained to them and told them who told me to do it. When this guy was confronted he denied giving permission on anything. So who do they believe? the guy who has been there longer. Luckily I had the email that gave me the go ahead. Needless to say I am not this guy’s favorite person.

          These kinds of things don’t happen too often with corporate, but they still happen. But now let’s talk about the other managers in the store. I am the youngest manager out of the 10 managers (the shoes manager is just a couple years older than me) so I am the one everyone likes to boss around. I have actually enjoyed the opportunity to learn how to be a leader and delegate. That is not the issue, the issue is there are 3 people who are trying to do anything possible to get me out of the store; whether it is getting me fired (which they prefer) or putting so much pressure on me that I quit. I have considered talking to the store manager, the one over all of us; but he too is being targeted. The district manager has actually been in our store once regarding the claims to get the main manager fired.

          I have complained too many people about all these things, but what really stresses me out is the fact that there are people in this world out to ruin the lives of people they don’t like. I usually just ignore the people I don’t like, and I am surviving very well. But there are those who will work as hard as possible to destroy the lives of the people they hate. These 3 managers have caused a great desire for a tornado to come sweeping through Provo and take its path right on top of Dillard’s, collapsing on these 3 people. I was telling someone the other day at how I would not even flinch if I witnessed one in particular getting hit by a speeding car. I would just say “oh that’s too bad” then call the police, and leave not caring to know if she lived or died. What would cause me to be so cold hearted? Oh yeah, her unstoppable desire to get rid of me.

          Now watching Dillard’s burn with these 3 people trapped inside wouldn’t be half bad either, but what I do not understand is why did they give me a positive review when they were contemplating putting me into the position I am in now? I can only come up with the idea that they were pressured by others in the room who were giving positive reviews to also give a positive review, because they don’t want to go against the flow. Or maybe they thought I would be easily manipulated because I am young. Well since I have not been manipulated into their slave work I have somehow pissed them off to the point of them working on getting me in trouble and trying to force me out in some way. Sadly to say they will probably win, the environment is so toxic there that when I walk into Dillard’s in the morning I feel like I am suffocating. When I leave I feel free like I just climbed out of a very tight cave into a field.

          When I get home at night I lie on my bed and stare at the ceiling in awe that I survived another day. There are a few people I can talk to at work, but there is nothing they can do but complain with me. So that is why I have not been writing, I don’t even get up to make food for myself after work each day because I am so tired. That place it emotionally taxing, and physically at times. So I have tried to do things that make me happy, I have read a few books, watched a few TV shows and then I go to bed and start with the poison again bright and early the next day.

          I have been trying to be more positive lately, and some days it feels like swimming against the current, but I am making the attempt. So now let me tell you about someone that makes me happy, well 3 people, one is a Hollywood crush, another is a very good singer, and one is someone I know quite well. My new Hollywood crush is Valerie Bertinelli from the TV show Hot in Cleveland the second is Kelly Clarkson (That is a given) and the last is my Nephew Haydyn. He just seems to make everything better, unless he is tired, than he makes everyone want to put him to sleep. So to relieve myself of the stress of the hell hole I call work I listen to Kelly Clarkson on the way home from work, watch Valerie Bertinelli on Hot in Cleveland when I get home and pray for Haydyn and his cute little brother each night.

          I have even starting drinking herbal teas meant to relieve stress but alas, nothing there, I might hit the bottle soon. I have never been tempted to drink alcohol, but a blue bottle of sky vodka looked like a peaceful way to end the day the other night. I won’t start drinking because I know better, but if life doesn’t get better I might implode on myself.

 Dr.K

(Song: Blown Away; Artist: Carrie Underwood)