Help I’m Alive

Fear is something we all seem to enjoy or despise. Take horror movie for example. I am the type of person who loves to feel the adrenaline rush as I watch a new scary movie. During high school people would tell me how creepy I was because I thrived on one scary movie to the next. Then I went to California, came back and I have not heard anyone call me creepy in a while until a couple days ago. I was at work and I was being dumb by holding one of the knives there like a serial killer. Then a girl said to me, “You are really creepy, you could pass as a murderer.” Well thank you for reminding me how I used to freak people out. But let’s take a second and think about ‘fear’, what is it you really are afraid of?

                For a long time I thought fear was being chased by a man carrying a chainsaw, or someone hiding in my closet, or a clown handing a child a balloon. Although those are really freaky things, especially the clown, I thought about what I really am afraid of. So I think I will tell you my fears, and explain them. Maybe you can do this too and learn some things about yourself.

                Fear #1: Guns. I have been raised around firearms. I actually own a couple and I am planning on getting my concealed weapons permit. Why am I afraid of guns you ask? Because guns kill people; now someone might say, “Guns don’t kill people, people kill people.” But let me tell you this, too many children are coming across their parents firearms and accidentally killing a family member or friend. So was it the child that killed the person? No, the kid didn’t kill, the gun did. I know this sounds dumb, but it is the way I look at it. I have handled guns and used them. I understand the power they have, so I guess that is why I am scared of them.

                Fear #2: Water. The ocean freaks me out. The idea of swimming in an area where down below you is an entire life system, with areas that man has not yet been. Also rushing rapids, too many stories have crossed my path about a person (this person being a great swimmer) drowning because the current was too strong and it pulled them under. Water needs to be feared to an extent right?

                Fear #3: Clowns. I have not seen Stephen King’s “IT” or read the book. But the way I became afraid of clowns was from a trip to an amusement park with some friends around Halloween, and instead of a water park at that time of year, there was a few small haunted houses. We went into one and it was all clowns. Everything in that small haunted house was either crazy clowns or blood covered clowns, or clowns with knives, or clowns with chainsaws. Then that night we went back to a friend’s house and watched a reenactment of the story of John Wayne Gacy. This guy was a clown and killing young men and putting their bodies in his crawl space under his house. This is what sealed the deal. Clowns are too disturbing.

                Fear #4: Crazy People. I think this might be a common fear for people. I can’t help but be afraid of people who have literally lost their minds. My grandmother had dementia (my dad was adopted so it does not run in my family) it is just scary to come across people who are insane because you don’t know what they could do…

                Fear #5: Needles. When I went to the doctor recently I could not look at the nurse when she was taking blood. I had to imagine that my arm was numb so I would not freak out in any way.

                Fear #6: Saws. This is not too bad of a fear. Chainsaws are really freaky, especially when a psycho wants to cut your legs off with one. But this fear developed after I saw the movie Saw the first one of course. (Spoiler alert) The guy has to cut his foot off to get out of the situation. I would have just laid there and died in that disgusting bathroom rather than use a rusty saw to cut off my foot. Thus was my fear for saw’s born.

                Fear #7: Buried Alive. I have been slightly afraid of this. It is not a common thing. I saw Buried with Ryan Renolds, the whole movie takes place in a box buried in the ground. Well… now that I look at it. I am not necessarily afraid of being buried alive, but being in small spaces. I am claustrophobic so I would have died in the box within minutes. I guess we can change fear #7 to small spaces.

                Fear #8: Losing a Limb. I am too scared of machinery because of the story The Monkeys Paw. I was able to do that as a play in elementary school. We did in with puppets, but the character’s son dies because he was caught in machinery. And the only thing I could think of was this kid dying because the machine ripped off his arms! So, I have been afraid of losing a limb since the age of 10.

                Fear #9: Losing my Sight. I have to wear glasses as it is. I am almost legally blind because my eyes are so bad. But I think I would die emotionally if I lost my sight. I love colors, and I love photography. And even worse, I love to read. I’m not saying I can’t read if I lose my sight, but I would have to learn all over again. So to all those blind people out there, you are living one of my greatest fears. Congratulations for not dying because you lost your sight.

                Fear #10: Being Alone. I think this is my all-time greatest fear. Not being alone for a few hours. I actually thrive on alone time, but the idea of being alone forever. Not finding love or getting married. Living the rest of my life alone is one fear that I cannot shake off. As I have slightly mentioned in earlier posts, my family does not get a long too well, so I look forward to having a wife and a family. And I am afraid that this dream will never come to pass. I have friends, great friends. But it is not the same, I fear watching all them getting married and having families while I live my life alone.

                Now that I have been personal with you all again, I want you to know I have overcome a few of my fears. I still fear them, but it is the kind of fear out of respect that they can still hurt me. But I have overcome them. Guns, and water are two things I use but I fear. I won an award at scout camp as a young person for being the best shot in the whole camp (that’s over 1,000 boy scouts). So I can use them. And I can swim. I actually love swimming. But I know when I am tired and I should stop. Water does not give a crap if you need a break or a breather. It will consume you, so I still fear it. But I love using it.

Dr.K