You’re All I Want

                I will finish with the continuation of the past blog in the near future. But something has me a little bothered; I just got back from a mild drive home. I was able to spend the day with some built in friends; my cousins. We had a lot of fun going from one sugar high to another. And I guess the drive back home is when I crashed. I had some time to think about the place where my life is right now. I took my parents to the airport this morning where they started a week’s vacation, meaning I will be home alone for a week. That is actually really exciting, when you live near civilization. But unfortunately I do not, so I have the lucky opportunity to sit at home and do nothing after work.

                The first thing I thought of was, ‘Who can I call to come and visit?’ no one came to mind because they all live too far away. I then thought of family members, and that is where the depression really set in. I have four siblings, two older and two younger. The only person who would want to do something with me would be my older sister. But she lives a little over an hour away. My older brother and I do not get along for who knows what reasons. I suppose I “offended” him in some way. Then my younger brother lives in California with his wife as he is in the military, and I have not spoken to him in an actual conversation in over a year. Then I have the last person who has really killed my liking for my family, my younger sister. She is the closest living relative, but she too has a problem with me, for reasons unknown to me. At this point I began to feel isolated.

                I have not been a very good friend, but let me explain why. I have a group of friends that I really enjoy talking with and I consider them better family than my own flesh and blood. Because my life is so boring and monotonous our phone calls have become less and less often. The last time I really talked to a good friend about real stuff was over a month ago. When I call to talk to someone I do not want the conversation to be dead. I want to be able to tell them something, and I want to hear what they have to say about their life. My problem is that I am insecure about the way my life is right now, living with my parents and not dating and enjoying life. People are always saying this is the fun time of my life, well if this is the fun time of my life I have nothing to look forward to. With those insecurities I have pushed my friends away because I don’t like hearing how they are having so much fun making new friends in college or they are very busy finishing their degree. I look at my life and say, “wow, you really are a loser when the highlight of your day is getting excited because the only person who is happy to see you in your dog.”

                I do not want people to have sympathy for me; I really have done this to myself. Another reason I don’t talk to a lot to my good friends is because I complain. I do not want them to have to deal with all my complaints, because I complain a lot. When I complain I get answers like, “Just wait, it will all get better.” Or something like, “Everyone goes through lows like this.” I don’t like these answers because I understand the concept, but how long do these ‘lows’ last? Years? Months? Someone might say I am depressed, but I am not. I have fun and I am blessed to have the life that I have. The grass just seems to be greener on the other side. I guess being broken inside like this just brings us to a closer relationship with the one who loves us more than we can even imagine.

                Now tying the past couple posts together I want to say, it would be nice to have someone close to talk to. I want to have a relationship where I can laugh and have fun, joke around and pick on each other, be a person the other can call under any circumstance, and vice versa. I want to have someone who will sympathize with me and love me enough to just let me vent. A real relationship that I want to last forever is one that is based on emotional and spiritual attraction. Not only physical attraction. But a good strong person I can lean on when I need it, and I will be her strong person to lean on when she needs it. That is all I want.

Dr.K

(Song: Everything; Artist: Lifehouse)