Vanity

I will be the first to admit that I am vain. I am always making sure I look good, making sure that my posture it great. If one hair falls out of place, I have a break down. Not really but I just get annoyed and move on. I need to be dressed in clothes that are clean and have no creases. I look in mirrors at the mall to make sure I still look good. I even look at my reflection in the glass at school when it is dark outside to see what I need to change about my posture or the way I walk. Some of my friends might not think that I am this conceded, but I don’t verbalize it like a lot of other people. I guess that is why I cannot stand being around conceded people, they verbalize the things that don’t matter, when I just think them. I hate the fact that I am vain and I think it is a quality that I need to work on. This is important for you to understand a little of this so you can get why I still have not had my first kiss.

                Let’s take a little journey back to high school. This is a time in my life that I do not like to reflect on because I was not a social person. I try to get along with people and I am told that I am a likable person, but not the type of person you would want to date, or be best friends with. I am just a “nice” person. Looking back into this time, I was not a typical senior; I hated every moment in school. When there were assemblies or school function I avoided them at all costs. I would go home and watch T.V. while everyone watched the talent show, or were at the pep rallies. Needless to say I wanted to blend in with the walls in school. All of this started in middle school, mostly dumb kids being jerks, but it evolved into me not wanting to talk or look at just about anyone. I would even avoid friends at times I just did not want to be known. Well, the last semester of senior year I took an internship class. I was looking forward to this because I would be spending time away from school, for school. There were some days when we would have class and I loathed those days. The class was filled with dumb jocks (some I knew from my neighborhood) also student council members, and a few drama geeks. I soon became a person of interest to them. The very first comment to me when we were supposed to be getting to know each other was, “You’re really skinny” I wanted to scream THANKS CAPTAIN OBVIOUS! But I just sat there uncomfortably as the group we were put into was staring at my skinniness. At that point I wanted to go live in a cave and hope that I got fat.

                Shortly after graduation my family was in the process of building a new home about an hour away from there in the middle of nowhere. I thought about it and decided to try and make a change in my attitude and even my appearance. I started working out and being friendlier with people I worked with and I tried to become a more reliable friend. A few weeks before we were about to move into the new home I moved to California. While I was out there, people also stated the obvious, “You are freakishly tall.” “You are really skinny.” “What it this boil looking thing on your wrist?” “It is my bones… thanks for pointing that out.” So I was still facing the fact that I looked anorexic, the fact that I am really tall does not help either. I am not bothered by my tallness it is the skinniness that is what bothers me. I just look a lot skinnier than I am because of my height.

                While I was in California I gained a little weight, about 15 Lbs. I wanted to use that to my advantage and exercise turning that extra weight into muscle. But do you think that any of this worked? No it did not. After I moved back into my parent’s house I decided to make a strict work out plan. (Which I just started again today) I even went to the gym and I got some interesting looks from the jocks and meat heads in there. Ok, so I am skinny, I want to be able to protect myself if the occasion arises, sue me.

                Once I was living at home again, it is a new area, (which I looked forward to) and I still get the comment “You are really skinny.” Ok I am tired of hearing that. That is when I really decided to become more flattering in the way I dress. If the big strong arms were not going to help me get a date, maybe if I know how to dress will get me a date. Since all my friends are girls, I know girls like it when a guy knows how to dress. So I took up the expensive hobby. That is where this creature was born. I make sure my hair is cut into a specific way, my facial hair is trimmed to perfection (in my terms) and I try to be the focal point everywhere I go now. I still face the stupid comment of “You have really skinny arms” but at least I look dashing with my small arms.

                Well, it may seem that I am over the fact that I am not overly muscular. Nope, I am not. I still get depressed when I see that with all the working out I do there is little to no progression. I glanced at myself in the glass at school with the night sky behind it and saw how skinny I was. It is a confidence killer when the time comes to asking a girl out. There I stand skinner than the girl, trying to ask her out on a date. She says ‘yes’ because I am sure she feels bad for me, but nothing comes of the date.

                Remember, I know what girls are looking for; most girls want a guy who can protect them if something goes wrong. And they want to be able to feel safe in a guy’s arms. I want just a little difference to tell me it is all working! I was telling this to a friend a few months ago, and she told me there is a difference, I just can’t see it because it is slow and gradual. But I have been looking at pictures and nothing has changed much, maybe a little change, but not anything to get excited over.

To be continued….

Dr.K

(Song: Vanity. Artist: Hanover Swain)